Well, I've never made a blog before and I'm not sure if anyone will ever find this interesting, I'm mainly writing this for myself, so that maybe one day I can read over it and see how far I've come in my goal of improving my life.
So my name is Niall, I'm a 21 year old Irish born male(not my choice!), I study computer programming and have probably 3 people I consider myself close to in the physical world, 2 girls and 1 guy. On the internet though, I find myself to be quiet popular, having dozens of friends around the world who I enjoy skyping with and playing games with. But then again, I'm not afraid when I'm on the internet.
And there we have my biggest problem, I'm afraid, of everything, but mostly people. I have an unnatural desire to make everyone I meet like me, but in my mind there is always apart of me wondering, "what if they don't like me?" hence why I have 3 friends, I worry myself out of every friendship I could possibly have. When I go to bars with my best friend and talk to people, I always go to their facebook page the next day, and chicken out of adding them, "what if they don't remember you?".
I'm sick of this holding me back, I want friends, I want to go out on a Saturday night with people, I want a boy friend, but none of that will happen while I'm afraid.
I finally accepted that I need to do something about my fear in the last month of my second year of college, my best friend and I were going out to a bar (first time I went out for anything other than food or college in 2 months) and I saved the text I got from her when she was on her way to my house, "Some of my friends will be out tonight, so I'm telling you now so you can get over your nervs and panic attacks of meeting new people and be excited cause they will love you" this hit me in 2 ways.
At first I was upset, I never talked to her about my fear of people, yet she knew of it and directly called me on it, I was ashamed, she knew how weak and pathetic I was, but then I thought "She knows I'm like this, and she accepts me, she still wants to be my friend, she wants to help me". I went out that night, it was amazing, I smiled for weeks after, and even now I look up from my laptop screen and see a picture of both me and my best friend drunk hugging each other from that night, and I can't help but smile.
Since that night I've made progress but not a lot, so little its hard to judge. That's why I want a blog, so I can put my progress down and see it. I thought of a diary, but I'm a nerd, and if there is an online version of something I'll use that!
Today I was hit with a realization of how far I've come, for years my brother has always given me abuse on who I am, I get called fat,gay,loser and friendless by him on a weekly basis, and today, I finally stood up to him and shouted at him as loud as I could, to shut up and leave me alone! This of course started a huge fight with the family and I stormed off to be alone, I decided to go see the new star trek alone because my 3 friends don't like Star Trek. It was in the cinema I realized how little real progress I made with my fear of people, yes I was able to defend myself, but as I was sitting in the movie, I realized I had to pee, I sat still for 20 minutes with my legs crossed because I was too afraid to ask the people beside me to move, this was the first 20 minutes of the movie, eventually I worked up the courage and went to the bathroom, when I came back I didn't go back to my seat, I couldn't ask them to move again. I feel pathetic.
Sometimes I feel like I have split personality's, because when I'm in skype or on twitter I'm not like this, I'm confrontational, I'm strong, I'm funny and I like myself! My goal is to be like this more. I've had dozens of skype conversations where all I can hear is laughing from a joke I just told. Why can't I be like this all the time? Because if I hurt someone online, I block them on skype and I never have to hear or see them again, I can't do that in real life, though for some people I wish I could!
Where did all this come stem from though? I'm not sure, I remember a point in my life where I was happy and had dozens of friends in the physical world, but slowly I messed all of them up or lost them, I never seemed to recover from this.
So my overall goal for this year, stop being afraid of people, and hopefully in one year, I can read this blog and laugh at how low I once was. I can't do it alone, but thankfully the 3 friends I do have, are 3 of the coolest and most supportive people I have ever met, and if they like me, there must be something worth while about me, I just can't see it yet!
Niall
01/June/2013
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